Friction repair: when things go sideways

All collaborations have friction. The question is whether the team has a written, mutual practice for naming and repairing it. Without one, friction calcifies into resentment.

Three patterns show up over and over again in peer-to-peer friction on neurodiverse teams:

• Direct question read as aggression. An autistic colleague asks 'why did we decide X?' — a literal information question. A non-autistic colleague hears 'you made the wrong call' and reacts defensively. Both walk away thinking the other was rude.
• Indirect signal missed entirely. A non-autistic colleague says 'I think there might be a small concern here': a strong signal of disagreement in their dialect. An autistic colleague registers it as 'no big deal' and proceeds. The disagreement explodes later.
• Tone used as evidence. A piece of work is correct but delivered in an unfamiliar style. A peer brings 'tone' to a manager as if it were a substantive problem. The autistic colleague is now defending against a complaint that has no concrete content.

The repair playbook:

• Log it before reacting. Use the friction log on the worksheet. Writing it down slows down the reaction and gives both sides a chance to read it later.
• Take it to the 1:1, not the channel. Public channels are not a good place to process friction. They lock both parties into a public performance.
• Name the dialect difference, not the moral failing. 'When you asked X, I heard Y — which I don't think was your meaning. Can we sort out what you meant?' is repair work. 'You were rude' is escalation.
• Update the written norm. If a friction is recurring, it's not a one-off, it's a missing norm. Add it to the worksheet.

And one rule for managers reading this who might receive a peer complaint: do not adjudicate tone. If a complaint is about substantive work behavior (missed deadlines, factual errors, broken commitments) address it directly. If it's about how something was said, redirect: 'What was the content of the disagreement?' Forcing the conversation back to substance is part of your equitable-management job.